Unreal Person, Unreal Journal
My Exercise Diary
Hi my name is Matt. My friend Ray had recently been complaining that he was out of shape and needed to do some exercise, so I gave him a gift certificate for a one-weeks membership to a local gym. Ray called the next day and made reservations with some trainer named Peggy, who said she was a 33-year-old aerobics instructor, and athletic clothing model. I was very pleased with how enthusiastic he was to get started. They suggested he keep an "exercise diary" to chart his progress. Well, today, I came across his diary. Let me share it with you.
Day 1 I started my morning at 6:00 a.m. It was hard getting out of bed, but it was worth it when I arrived at the health club and Peggy was waiting for me. Shes something of a goddess, with beautiful brunette/ red hair and a dazzling white smile. She showed me all the machines, and took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She seemed a little alarmed that my pulse was too high, but I think just standing next to her in those outfits added about ten extra beats. Enjoyed watching the aerobics classes. Peggy was very encouraging while I did my sit-ups, (I mean crunches as she so says), even though my gut was already aching a little from holding it in the whole time I was talking to her. This is going to be a spectacular week!
Day 2- It took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door, and another cup to get me in the car. But I made it. Peggy had me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar up into the air. Then she puts weights on it for heaven sakes. Legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made it the full 3 miles. Her smile made it all worth it. Muscles all feel strong.
"Peggy had me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar up
into the air.
Day 3 The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I am certain that I have developed painful hernias in both of my pectorals. Driving the car was okay as long as I went in a straight line and did not have to steer. I parked in the nearest parking spot; think it was in a juniper planter. Today she put me on something called the stair monster. Why would someone invent something so foolish when there are elevators? Peggy told me that exercising would make me livelong. At this point I have no intentions of wanting to live longer.
Day 4 "PEG" was waiting for me with no big pretty smile, and her teeth snaring at me like a pit bull. I could not help it that I was 45 min. late. It took me 30 minutes to just tie my shoes! She wanted me to lift dumbbells, and I said not a chance! I told her the word "dumb" is in there for a reason. I hid in the mens locker room, but she sent in a gigantic hulk to retrieve me. As punishment she made me do 30 minutes on the rowing machine. Because I did it so slow, it sank.
Day 5 I dislike this beautiful trainer PEG more than you will ever know. If
I had one body part that was not in pain, I would hit her with it, but I cannot lift my
arms. She told me we were going to work on my triceps. Well, I have news for you PEG,
" I dont have any triceps". And if you dont want dents in the floor,
dont give me any of those stupid barbells. I will not pay for any damage to this
gym! The treadmill today got going so fast, that I flipped off the back and landed
somewhere between the stationary bike and the Sales Managers desk. Why did Matt have to
give me this free weeks pass? I should have known that nothing in life is ever free.
Day 6 - Got PEGS message on my answering machine. She was wondering where I was. I lacked the strength to use the remote control, so I sat around and watched 10 straight hours of the weather channel.
Day 7 Well, that is the week. Glad it is finally over. Maybe next time Matt will give me something a little more fun, like a gift certificate to my dentist for a double root canal!
Day 8 I turned on my computer, desperately searched for DietRiot.com, frantically clicked on "Joining" button, took the Diet Riot Pledge, and a sincere Personal Trainer sent me a sympathy card for all I had gone through.
I am going to try it slowly this time, this time, one step at a time